We are 2 months out from prison release and on parole. I say “we” because my son was not the only one incarcerated for 2 years, his family was also, but in a different way. We were held in a tidal wave of emotional fog bouncing between fear, heartbreak and shame.
Fear of not knowing if my son would survive the periodic threats he could encounter while in prison. In the beginning it was constant harassment and prodding from the other guys. Later he was forced to give any items he purchased from the commissary to other inmates or he would face physical harm. When this occurred my son asked me to stop putting anything into his account since it would be taken from him anyway. Once moved to another prison his very first day he was approached (they hang out and wait for the new guys coming in) and told to give his TV to the guy (he gave it to him), where a guard later discovered someone had a TV that didn’t belong to them and brought it back to my son. Fear of not knowing the impact all this will have on my son. Will it be positive (hard to imagine but sometimes it is), or negative (as I watch the evening news and see the repeat offenders heading back to prison the 2nd, 3rd time or more.
Heartbreak for what the future holds and the hurdles he will face now and down the road for many years to come. No Mother wants their son to grow up and go to prison (at least I didn’t). I imagine his earning potential went right down the toilet with or without a degree. All the education in the world can’t erase a “Felony” on your record. Who wants to hire a so called Felon? And if he should get hired you can’t ask for better pay because what are you going to do about it? (your just fortunate to have a job -period!) And the dating scene, well that doesn’t look to bright either since not many women would want to date a sex offender (can’t blame them at all). So what kind of future is there?
A sense of profound sadness for my son’s present and future prospects is heavy. And the fact that he can’t even see his only niece for another 2 years is just sad for both, not just my son.
Shame is OVERWHELMING when it comes to a family member who committed a sexual offense. How do you face others? Will they still want to be around you? Yes it was my son who did the crime, but I am the Mother who raised the son that committed the crime. I feel I failed as a parent and that brings me such shame that only eases with time, but never totally goes completely away. I know that God forgives, but can others? Will society ever really forgive? Shame is one of the most difficult emotions to deal with concerning sex offenses since it is such an “Ugly” crime.
I have to give Fear, Heartbreak, and Shame and my only Son over to God since all of this at times is just too much for the heart to handle.
With Thanksgiving behind us and Christmas ahead I (and he) Thank God for the small things in life to rejoice about. He was able to visit home for the first time in 2 years and have a home cooked meal for the first time in a very long time. He was able to get his driving permit and so now he can learn to drive. My son is now a very frugal person and this is good. He is adjusting to his new home and is content for now. He is still out of Prison and we are all adjusting to the curfews and restrictions, rules and regulations surrounding his life as a sex offender on parole. Even so God is so Good to us. My son is a better person for his incarceration as hard as it was and continues to be.
Romans 5 vs 2-6
“through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame; because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. You see at just the right time , when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.”
Mom