Thank you for visiting our web site! We would like you to know that we are in a very odious work when helping any aspect of the sex offender. We are glad that you are here so that we can better understand each other.

First, we are focusing on helping the families of the offenders, but do concede that the offender (and in some cases) the Victim do benefit from our help. When we first started helping families, we were determined to be neutral and also help the victims families, but when we saw the need of this web site, we soon decided that victims families do (except in a few cases) despise the offender and all that help them, (rightfully so) and therefore decided not to advertise help for the victims family at this time.

Secondly, We, which have started this work, have a son that is on the sex registry and have experienced what it is like to be family of the offender. But, we also have a granddaughter, which is a victim of a sex offense. She was like a daughter to us, because she lived in our home for 5 years, much of the time, until she was offended in our own home at 13. We are also family of the victim, that is why this victim’s page exists.

Thirdly, We do not know how the victim or the offender feels personally, but having experienced as a family member, both the offensiveness of the offender and the anger/ruination of the victim. We feel as “family” that there are many parallel issues to overcome. Guilt is one. Let me give you an example. When my son came to me and apologized, I needed to apologize to him for not being a good father, wasn’t there when he needed me most, and I could add many things where I wasn’t the parent I should have been. Guess what? That made me an accomplice to his crime, like a get away driver in a bank robbery. This brought me to sorrow, for the first time in my life. Do you know that grief is when you lose a loved one, which you had no control over their death? But sorrow is when you are just as guilty as the offender. That is why this site is called “Us Lepers”. The guilt of being a parent of the victim is very close the same. There is so many things I can come up with that we become guilty about. A few are, why didn’t I see this ahead of time and take this or that precaution? Why didn’t I put a better lock on her door? Why didn’t I warn her and give her better instructions on how to defend herself from this evil. Why? Why? And soon we feel guilty, because of course we are the adults.

Fourthly, Actually the above account on guilt is more positive than it sounds, because when we can become the guilty one, we have a much more difficult time condemning others. I also understand, because I was there for 2 weeks myself. In most cases there is indescribable anger, especially from the mother of the victim and the father of the offender. Anger says, put him away for life, or let him rot in prison and if that continues, it can eat away your life, and you strike out at all those that get in the way. What an unhappy life that is, but love brings joy. How can we begin? I wrote the following and I hope it is helpful for you.

 

Justice versus Love,

When my son was first arrested and I found out what he had done, I went into a spiral of depression. What caused it was when my son first called, he said, the investigation of detectives and CPS told him he would not get any jail time. Instead of feeling good about that, I was determined that he should be punished for this crime. Bail was set and he had money in a “rainy day account” to get himself out, but wanted my help and approval.  Those first few days were a difficult time in my life, on the one hand it was in me to love him, but I also wanted justice. My excuse to him to stay in jail was that he was serving time that he deserved and would count for time served when sentenced. But, I had a huge problem; I didn’t know how much justice (time) he deserved. I wasn’t sleeping but a few hours each night and became very depressed. I would ask the minister to convince my son to accept his punishment, but he would come back and say, I believe he has had a real change in his life and has presented a plan on the things he would do if he was out and the plan is very well thought out and good. So, instead of our Pastor convincing him, it would turn out the other way around. Then he was charged with 2 – 15 year terms. In my mind that was unreasonable, and I felt it to be far too extreme, I would never be able to hug him again, being 73, I would be 103 when he got out. You see I was still determined to be in charge of justice.

 In my frustration I went to the Bible and started in the New Testament to see what Jesus would do. Jesus talked a lot about hell (justice), but the examples on what we are to do, is love.  Two vivid examples are; the women that was brought to Jesus by all those men that were for justice, came with their pockets full of stones. Evidently the women was caught in a sexual act (sex offender) without being married. It was a crime that demanded death by stoning, BUT, Jesus shows us that we are not to be in the justice business because we are all sinners, but regardless how bad the sin, He loves and so should we!

            The other example was when Jesus presents a parable after the attorney (attorney’s always seem to working with justice) asked, what shall I do to inherit eternal life? Jesus asked him, what is written in the law? (Justice) The attorney answered, LOVE the Lord thy God. Etc. and thy neighbor as thyself.  And he willing to justify himself, said unto Jesus, and who is my neighbor? He should have been asking about the main part, Love! Then Jesus told him of the parable about the man which was robbed and beaten. The first two people probably thought the guy deserved to be beaten and passed on the other side. The third one saw someone with a soul and always helped others with love and helped this man in many ways. At the end of the parable, Jesus asked, which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbor unto him that fell among the thieves? The attorney said, “He that showed mercy (love) on him. Jesus said, “Go, and do thou likewise”

This was enough for me and I turned from justice, leaving it for God and the judges of this world, which He has appointed, and then turned to love and started by helping my son, get out on bail. The amazing thing was that when my son asked for forgiveness, I already had done that. It was easy to forgive him but much harder to ask him for forgiveness for the many things that I have done to him and things I didn’t do, such as, not being there for him, always too busy. But asking for forgiveness is much easier than dealing with justice, when we try to do God’s work, trying to help Him with justice, it is hard work, depressing, confusing and never coming to an end. We just flail, become angry, never satisfied with the out come, and it will eat our heart out. But, when you love it’s an easy way, a good feeling, uplifting, able to truly give thanks.  It is better to give (love) than receive (justice).    That is what we are called to do and our reward will be happiness.

“Justice versus love”

Could also mean “anger versus happiness” or “distress versus relief”.